This New Life : Day One

Like another clingy housefly,

I’m roaming about your essence.

Buzzing to the sound of the song I knew we would never sing together.

And I buzzed again, thinking you might someday

realise it was the doorbell instead.

Not some clingy fly.

How I wanted to get in that door so bad.

“May be this is the worst of me” I cried waiting.

The strings pulling me there knew

That I’d give up the rebel and fall weak to this growl inside of me.

The curse I carry around with me giggled.

Said “This time too”, but i chose to ignore.

That’s when it rained outside your doorstep

But only right where I was standing.

I looked up, expecting rain drop bursting

I realised I got seclusion to my face instead.

 

Miss Krishnakshi Bhuyan

 

 

How To Lose Your Identity in Easy Steps!

Too long since this last happened, the blog writing and the devotion to a meaningless cause. Things don’t remain the same and if you are in the delusion that it will be at least for the next five years even, you are gonna feel that blow in your face that will completely throw you off. Yes, babe you ain’t gonna be the same and neither will that person who promises to sweep you off of your feet for “forever”. That shit just doesn’t exist.

And me realizing that shit so late kind of contradicts the fact that i had a million lessons to learn from. Then we have no one else to blame but ourselves. If you still haven’t realized that narcissism is the best possible way to tackle every failed expectation from people, the quote pages and accounts on Instagram and Tumblr are doing no good to you. So I take narcissism within me for the first time as i write down this blog because i never learn. People will never learn how to stop getting hurt. We keep on expecting, we keep on demanding, we keep on wishing all that we never have, we keep on counting our misfortunes and we keep on getting hurt. (Which is not the point of this blogpost))

I know that the two paragraphs written above has no connection whatsoever and I’ve been already judged as a writer who wants to show off, by now.

So after all this foreplay my story begins. My narcissistic story. Something that I hope combines the two paragraphs above.

The First Phase:

I have passed that phase that I would like to believe all of you have passed too. The believe-everything-you-hear phase. I would like to present the story by considering an imaginary person I’ll be talking to in second person.

First, taking you back to your pre-teen years when you’ll be feeling that your instincts are always correct and then end up fucking everything up. When you realise what you have ruined, you enter the believe-everything-you-hear phase. And theeeeen, tuda you are ready to ruin more things. If someone, any pretty soul, anyone AT ALL (also counts someone you’ve hardly talked with before) manages to describe your current situation sooo well without having you to describe it, then you are ruined, my friend. That person is God for you for the next few years. Only if you find sanity somehow, you can come out of that mess.

How will you be ruined? By believing God knows everything. Dude, the real God that exists might be still writing a novel of your life and here comes someone you believe that will solve all your problems in a click. So you never leave that person’s hand, you go around obeying their decisions and fulfilling their wishes and accept everything that is hurtful to you. Let me warn y’all sweets, all these will be done swiftly and you will never realise you’ve done that kind of shit.

That is Step One of losing your identity.

The Second Phase:

Let us assume that life slapped you hard in the face and you just got back to your senses temporarily. You see all around and certain sparks of self-love emerges. But your bad luck, people had already seen how you can be and now there’s no turning over. This is you with a part of your identity gone. One way you just tackle that is by making yourself believe that it is best to ignore (it clearly isn’t though). So you try to make amends and try to bring things to normal. The real problem arises when you try to do that by treating people around as divine, but for another cause : To be Loved.

To be noted are those quotes we find on the internet that somehow gradually enrages the spark of self-love.

The Third Phase:

Now you are done taking other people’s shit. Others have failed you and you start declaring how much you love yourself more than anything. Now you resort to your own instincts again, only to find out that they have been messed up too. See, the third phase is critical. We have two gateways here, one takes you out of everything and the other pushes you back in. We are no Robert Frost, we are common people (to my great disappointment) hence we take the road most travelled by. Now you are in a phase where everything piles up for bad.

I’ll shake up those haters by writing back hurtful comments. How dare they thik they are superior? : A classic example of dodging by holding others responsible.

You just called me a bad dancer. Guess what, I’m not dancing anymore. I don’t even care what is dancing. : A classic example of dodging by holding themselves responsible.

Haha, you are so petty to have replied me back with such hurtful answers. Guess what, I’m not replying to you anymore, i’ll block you out of my life because I matter, not you.

: An example of dodging by fake-declaring oneself selfish.

There is another case of dodging which I’m pretty sure no one wants to face. Yes, I am talking about insecurities.

Okay, so what if he doesn’t like me? I’m leavimg.

What if they hurt me if say this this to them? I’m leaving.

What if we break apart? What if nobody likes me? What if i get negative criticism? I’m not doing this ever again.

Another epic case of lost identity. Fellas, you would love to know that fake declaring oneself selfish and dodging by insecurities are exactly opposite reactions to a situation but both have the same motive.

This is nothing but losing your identity and creating some front to help you dodge out situations. Nobody is egoistic here. Nobody truly thinks that others don’t matter but themselves. We try to build that shit to rescue ourselves.

Summing it up, all of these phases will have definitely explained that you and everyone else will change at every point of time and that is something that is supposed to make things better. When everything you ever do brings up questions in your mind, when you stay away from something that you love to do because of reasons that you cannot explain to yourself, when you deliberately try to be ruthless and try to show everyone that you have changed, only then you realise you have lost your identity and it pains you to every last cell in your body. You can always please yourself by making yourself believe that no one else matters in this world but you and few certain people. But you also have to acknowledge that humans are not made that way. Eventually at a certain point of time, you will see yourself crying again because of something someone has said. You will keep on getting hurt and you will keep on hurting others, you learn a lesson and then commit another mistake and that’s how it works. That is the joy of living your life. Nothing remains the same in life. There will always be new things, new people, new emotions, new hurt.

We Settled On With Each Other

Silence: that’s the most that affects the both of us.
Running ahead of time is exhausting.
I know you are exhausted of letting things

settle on their own. Because you’re afraid.

They might break into pieces you dont imagine joining.

Pieces of memories, hidden desires, failed expectations.

We are both dying to be freed of false, rude allegations.

Your skin shines as if it wants to be of less ruth,

Your heart, however stays in perfect harmony with mine.

I know it is hard.

Harder than you imagined, to love someone.

Especially when ‘someone’ is something you never thought would find you.

Now it did just when you found it too.

Keep it close and never let it go.

‘Cause we both have a part of each other on us.

We both fall into pits with never ending depths of secret codes.

So keep it close and never let it go.

The moment you do, life will scream blood to your face,

in the form of reality,

when there will be no fate.

And all our worlds of glory will explode.

Don’t translate it all, choose yourself.

But just keep it close and never let go.

Silence: that’s the best thing to resort to.

‘Cause it is the most that affects the both of us.

We sit back and watch the burning sky.

And how it watches us back, the whole world quarrel.

There emerges the rising spirit of letting it go.

Foremost, they pointed out their arms at us,

When we loons searched for love’s happiness in caves,

We settled on each other.

Then we pointed our arms at each other.

But you threw away yours and i had done already.

We settled on each other.

When we threw the arms, we also lost belief.

Still we crave for each other’s buried griefs.

And last? We still fight the fight we do not know we are fighting.

Same cause, same demons. But no words left to come out

Of lips that already tasted bitter tears,

sour frowns and ignored blush. Everything is fine,

We settled on each other.

~~Krishnakshee Bhuyan

PS :This was written way back in December, a result of constant oblivion. Interpretation will surely be tough here, but that’s the point of it. This is surely not gonna change anything in this world but just to be clear, i have written it out now through a happy perspective. Feel free to interpret on your own.

Changing For Good

This is a story of an entirely different world, a world which can be seen only by people who want to.

It’s  probably not been long since “being ruthless” seemed as the only option to inner peace.

Me : What the hell is inner peace? I just wanna be ruthless. Who cares about the world when it does not care about you?

Well darling, in some tiny little corner of your heart, you must have known from before that your life isn’t supposed to go on that way. Maybe you know you’re following a completely directionless philosophy of life and at the process of finding happiness, you’re losing it part by part.

We all do, we all have the feeling that something isn’t right. And the worst mistake we all do is ignore that intuition and carry on. Looking at the broader picture, there’s always a need for change. Every second, every hour you’ll feel the need to change things around you and you won’t  realise. Who cares about consequences?

• HOW TO KNOW WHAT’S  BAD FOR US?

The first blow will hit when you feel that things are going downhill all of a sudden. Completely non relative things will find a way to make you sad, make you remember the worst of things you have been hiding in your mind since forever. And eventually it feels like you know why all these is happening to you. Because of certain toxicity in your life that you have been nourishing since a long time. And now the feeling strikes that you have to let it go. But before that, what are these toxicities in our lives?

Let me tell you something. We don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong if we dont have any experience with it. We see something for the first time, mind beeps, green sirens, This is right. Because we never saw this thing or had this experience before so it probably must be right, it isn’t harming anyone. That’s what drug addicts feel i suppose . 

One thing that fascinates people is new experience, a new kind of excitement, a new thrill. Wow, i’ve never hugged someone before. And this feels so good, so comforting. Thrilling. And then finish, you’re allured by it. Your mind has permanently percieved it as best for you. Now everytime you feel sad, you would remember those sensations during your hug and would need a hug everytime because your mind has percieved it as best for you.

Similar is the case for people, I haven’t talked to this person before. I talk to this person, feel like he’s everything i have never seen in my life. He is new. He is different. And the thrill will probably make your mind percieve him as best for you. Now something related to him comes in your way, you’d think about him and maybe want him to thrill you again with his presence. And this is how you tend to change yourself for other people.Somehow within all these, we fail to have the clearer and broader picture of life. We fail to realise that every unknown, new thrilling thing may not be good for us. Everybody looks angel-like from the outside. But somehow we fail to realise that no one is perfect. Things will unfold and now is when you feel the need for change. And these things end up as toxicities in our life.

• WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

The problem is that we believe everything we hear. We fall for words, for deceptive appearances, for appearances that are shown to us and not the whole picture, pretense. Real problems start when we eventually realise how foolish we had been and how you can do nothing to make things like before. Real problems start when you have to forcefully put up with these toxicities, knowing that you can’t escape anymore. It was you who fell for the shiny things, it was you who couldn’t realise that consequences could be suffocating. And it will suffocate you, your humanity doesn’t allow you to leave. You will feel the need for self-attachment, making yourself a priority. But nothing will make sense as it is too late. Depression will strike, nothing good will make sense. Your life will look like it’s been successfully ruined.

• ERR.. NOW WHAT?

Nope, don’t believe everything you hear. Nothing is ruined and won’t ever be. A certain thing is simple if we want it to be. Others may be complicated if we want it to be. We blame situations as if nothing has ever been under our control. Just like we break it, we will make it. Instead of being slaves of words, we can always be slaves of actions. This freaking post is about changing for good.  The reason for change is probably everything that was holding us down for a lot of time. 

That moment when you realise how much authority you have over your life, over the situations you’re gonna face, over the words you are going to speak, you will also realise that everything you’re worrying about was holding you down even more. And that you have  every power to change yourself and in that process, make everything better. You will then learn to let go of toxicities and think about using this power for everyone’s and most importantly your own good. No one has the right to direct your life as much as you. So making every possible effort to do it in a better way is what makes sense.

Now you’ll have all the inner peace you wished for. Trust me, nothing is better than the feeling when you’re trying to hide your laughter in a busy street. Only because that laughter is due to no particular reason.

Signing off,

Krishnakshee Bhuyan💭

Sitting down

I have been standing up but i want to sit down for now.So what if i won’t be able to stand up again?

I will lay there, still. And maybe forever.

So what if my heartbeat will be no one’s reason to live anymore?

I will live and die for one.

Even on my deathbed, I’ll recall my flaws and regret the good.

I’ll regret the good for not making it best.

I’ll regret leaving and retreating. 

Even on my deathbed, I’ll recall the tunes.

The tunes our hearts sang the chorus of together. I’ll lay there still.

The grass would probably sing the last goodbye to me. 

For seeing me again would be a spectacle in sight.

I dont want dew on them that time. Instead a dry, trivial occassion will make its light.

People would rejoice the holy rescue of a commoner from further pain. 

People would rejoice, not litter around with tears.

People would see yellow in black and green in white.

A marriage made in the streets of heaven.

For when i die, my ashes would take away with it all the gloom it had seen.

From people who chose nothing but me.

Love would then find another colour in black.

~just short rhymeless poetry

Krishnakshee Bhuyan❤

That Defying Thought..

When I started on with this blog, I was almost quite certain I’d touch all philosophical aspects of life, explain people of all the distortions I have faced, show people what are the ways that i found useful to tackle them and finally to present all of them in the sublimest way possible using the fanciest words i have ever learnt.

 It feels stupid now. I can hardly manage three paragraphs of impromptu composition let alone expressing complex emotions in words that are invented by old educated people who make dictionaries. Yes, public criticism of oneself is the key to everything.

The Main Point?

Everybody loves the strong. Even i do that. There’s always acclamations on the confident one, the one who delivers it with a big bang, the one who can proudly claim his work, the one who comes out with virtues, the one who conforms to all specifications, the one who follows and never defies the rules. 

Maybe it’s true that the ones who do not follow the above, deserve the silent corner of the room. Maybe not. These people maybe social butterflies and seem to allure everyone by feigning happiness. Inside, there is a sick unexplainable feeling. It is sort of like a fear of analysis by other people. We fear so much to be analyzed that we end up scrutinizing ourselves to much and there you go, that is what people call low confidence. 

Why this mask?

• “Am i being too notorious?” 
• “Am i so bad?”
• “Maybe i shouldn’t defy this.

Shiv Khera, an author, educator, business consultant and a successful entrepreneur, in his wonderfully inspiring book “YOU CAN WIN” kept me awake throughout many nights. Why? Some, because i was too inspired to sleep as he highlighted all the realities of life that you often try to run away from. Because he wrote nine pages on Self-Esteem, out of which six were spent on  describing and differentiating the people with low self esteem. Particularly, the ways he showed to help us succeed in life was commendable.

PEOPLE WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM:

🔸 Neither good readers, nor good followers: You can’t trust them. 

🔸They get sadistic pleasure out of criticizing others: You can’t trust them.

🔸They are self-centered and arrogant: You can’t trust them. 

🔸They are hypocritical. They put on a false mask: You can’t trust them.

🔸They don’t take any pride in their performance. Their work is shabby: You can’t trust them.

Maybe I can’t do that. I don’t prefer the virtues everybody taught us to follow. I can’t ask people to build confidence, forget the past, move on with a smile, not to worry about future, accept their self-worth and everything. In fact it has almost become tedious for us to listen. 

Well, yes. Not every time are defying thoughts right. High confidence has proved some miraculous approaches. You can prepare almost nothing and win a competition if you know you can. Or you can prepare nothing and be the piece of public mockery because you had too much of confidence.  

The Main-main point:
It’s not bad to have defying thoughts. It’s not bad at all to love having low confidence. It’s not bad to scrutinize oneself. It’s not bad to think exactly opposite to the ideas of a perfect human being.

 You may have low confidence. Alright, embrace it. Enjoy it and make it your strength. You don’t have to be the best. “Being the best” has always been the most tempting award. You don’t even have to do better than certain people. Just present what you have. Without paying heed to the impediments offered by so called society makers. I love criticizing myself. It has always been a great laugh to point out deformities. At the same time, i dont regret it. It is not a stairway to failure or hell. I’ll embrace it. I’ll make myself better and laugh again.

In fact this is living life. Living life involves not fulfilling other people’s definition of being “good”. It is not living under the constraints of goodness. It is having independent, defying thoughts that challenges the entire mankind. It is believing in one’s own principles more than the values defined by mankind. 

Maybe i can’t allure the most viewers or the most followers. But I’m sure there’s one or two independent spirits risen in the readers and i just wish you live your life.

🔚Krishnakshi Bhuyan🍂

The Oh-So-Simple Word called Life

​Wikipedia describes life as:”A characteristic distinguishing physical entities having biological processes, such as signaling and self-sustaining processes, from those that do not, either because such functions have ceased, or because they never had such functions and are classified as inanimate.”

Like me, I’m pretty sure no one got anything.
Life : The ugly comparison of this precious thing with songs (sing it), games (play it), mirrors, highways and boats baffle us. Hard to believe, but there are inconsequential suicidal people in this world who stay alive because of these mere quotes. As I was browsing through the one of the most modish sites in the frailty of today’s youth i.e. the internet, a similar citation intrigued my eye.
Life is like a foreign language. All people cannot understand it.
Oh hell, true it is. Has anyone ever understood life and its complexities? Has anyone ever been able to blend all aspects possible for a broader and generalized view of it? There might be people, yes. However, as it appears to most of us non-philosophers, life is just life. I mean, who needs to care? It’s like Shut up, man! Since when did you become so priestly? Enjoy it! It’s full of surprises. Some say love is the most integral chunk of life. I wouldn’t disagree though. It’s kind of pretty clear that life is pointless without love. Polyhistors are good examples. It’s not impossible to be perfect in many field, ignoring the fact that ‘good-for-nothing’s like me saturate the world idly. It just requires an ounce of a salad made of love, self-belief and passion.
So, love and life both unveiled a scrap of themselves in front of me recently. These little four lettered unadorned words are what I believe as the sole subjects to be understood efficiently by mankind. I take this blog forward with me, as I pass on all the imperative associations I can ever make to ease out the state of perplexity we all face.
~A petty insignificant non-philosophical person craving to win a place in everybody’s heart.
Krishnakshi Bhuyan.

Rio 2016 : Banging on

​Watching the “controvertible” Rio Olympics 2016 can never be tiring. They just intrigue you from your tranquility where you have been idly dreaming and Whoosh! There you are, sitting in front of the box biting your nails clumsily in lieu of getting a nap because your country is on the verge of getting its first or thirty- fourth gold.

1.  Yeah, they all talk about sportsmanship and virtuous sports all the time. A lost player just ran over to her winner rival and gave her a tight warm congratulating hug that gave the press and well-wishers an opportunity to “Aww!”. Others scorn and mope in despair, leaving the venue without greeting the judges and coaches. Yeah we will all judge the losers, make their life appalling while they sit on their homes watching the game, the pop-corn being their best friends and them getting confused as to how to react. The gleaming and scorching radiance, the smile with all hard work prominent in their eyes are everything a sportsperson wants after getting a medal. It is the fact that they know even in the remotest corner of the world their country sits, the whole media there is focusing on their each and every breath. Each and every grin that appears on their face while winning a point is being captured and is going to be printed on General Knowledge books, elementary school textbooks and charts. Touché, right? 

Prigs are infrequently the actual winners of life, lest a match. People will panic about maligning them, because just as expected since decades, they won; without any hard work but with a lot, lot of fatal confidence. There are also winners that are not prigs, thankfully (Usain Bolt!) He’ll just invite you for brunch in his house or something if you lost from the fastest man on earth.  

Rio has also seen participants this year who, in their hideously mutated Pseudo-Shakespearean delivery, would curse the universe with excuses both for winning and losing. And I feel awful both for the winners and losers. Winners, because their houses are going to be renovated because of lack of space to keep their triumph and joy and the Olympic medal. Losers, because you know, everybody feels bad for them. And they didn’t get what they equally sought and persevered for.

But few months back, my hands found themselves writing few lines on the joy of losing:

O Victor, What’s the point I’ve been missing so far?

I failed like expectations do,

I jeer like it’s the savage beast who

Tried to veil myself from me,

Pondering my head will never see.

O Victor, Does victory ever shrivels in?

I’m never the one who savored it. 

Instead I’ll strive for love to meet

Me. Yet I’ll crumble, yet I’ll fall

Till someone comes at just a call.

O Victor, this is what you mean by triumph.

~Krishnakshi Bhuyan 

Thanking my pal Nayab Akhtar Zaman for this idea.💚

Selfless Devotion

​When the stars finally align into the constellation you always craved, that sensation is ethereal. Even if all the problems and atrocities can find no one but you and even if you fear everybody’s so normal whilst you’re the “extraordinary one”, you smile anyway when the moon isn’t obscure anymore. The clouds move away just to assure you that something is good in your life. Something or the other always gives you a certain indication to be content with what you have. Something will always love you. No life on earth is not loved. This love is perpetual. This love is not based on beliefs and expectations. This love is filled with sacrifices of their own unimportant joys and sharing of woes. The sun never expects love when it bestows the enlightening sunlight for everything to process. The rain doesn’t wish to be blessed when it gives us the elixir of life. They do their duties unseen and unnoticed. How many of us appreciate them for their selfless devotion? They are the petite aspects of everyone’s lives, yet they mould each and every aspect. 

People seldom understand the meaning of the term “Selfless”. Selfless isn’t crying for someone you love who is crying. Selfless isn’t engraving someone else’s name on some paper or your skin even. Selfless is ‘not talking about yourself’. It is smiling all the time because the moment you don’t, the world will collapse. It is ignoring your reason to be happy. It is the milieu when the world doesn’t revolve around yourself.  It is fawning over someone else’s work while you can potentially do equal.  Selfless is being uncouth and obscure for everybody. It is covering oneself up. It is ‘not troubling others with your nuisance’.  There are also people who hate to tell the world that they just did something selfless. They want to run away and cry in some secret place, to bad-mouth themselves all they can. According to them, everyone is right except them. That is the most selfless thing they ever did.  Because they want things to settle down, they won’t confront you for hurting them. They’ll silently accept it as fate. They are so afraid to stand by their principles so they don’t mind getting swayed west by people. They can’t be called “not-confident”. They are strong enough to do that.

And the best thing that happens in their life?

Someone unexpected tells them “You’re a good person.”

If you find someone like that, don’t just grab his arm and embrace. Return him the favor by your actions. Actions speak much louder than words. And they will love these actions only if they are indirect because they spent their whole life talking and living life indirectly and unnoticed.

An instance for the whole topic?

This blog. I don’t know if i can ever use ‘first person’ ever. It just doesn’t feel right to write about oneself directly. It is just small step into being selfless once and for all. These are the type of people who inspire me. Who wants to be successful and heroic and the apple of everybody’s eyes? There are people who want to be selfless instead.

~Krishnakshi Bhuyan💜

A Deceit called Predilection

​Predilection: We all have been biased at a certain point of time in our lives. May be it be fruitful or detrimental. We never really realize the upshot of this rogue unless there is a direct provocation by someone else in our lives. It kills, trust me, it surely does.

When I say bias in this piece, I certainly don’t mean favoring someone for more grades, hanging out with that friend more than this, a referee siding with this team and not that. I talk about a whole lot of people in this world gathering together as a community, fighting against certain stereotypical rules set up by the so-called learned society makers. I talk about those who selflessly come out every day to inspire through each of their actions and words with the hope that they are heard by a mass and also acted upon.

Racism and Sexism have been entrenched with world politics since the dawn of the century. Well, I don’t even know why people are called ‘Black’ or ‘White’.  Any child with a box of crayons would, if asked to color a white person, would color it beige or with the more popular Flesh Tint. No artist in the world leaves the skin part white. The sickly ones are grey. Following the crayon logic, the black people aren’t black; they are brown or maybe raw umber. Every time I hear someone say America’s first black President, I’m like, “No, he’s not. He’s more like caramel.” The world would be paradise if everybody starts calling each other what they really are.

Oh look. There’s an burnt umber guy over there totally trying to hit on you.

She’s the first raw sienna Mayor of Illinois.

All the rainbow themes are not futile either. Imagine you are a girl and you, almost magically, are in love with another girl. You never felt any sense of much of a confutation within yourself when you saw this girl. You never felt anything different from the other guys you dated when you asked this girl out. And you’re so happy to have found the perfect person you’ve always searched for. You propose her. You’re about to get married. But then, a long lost friend turns up one day. She’s the perfect Dean to your Castiel. She’s the Taylor Swift to your Selena Gomez. She’s the Jon Snow to your Samwell Tarly. But when you, all ecstatic and gleefully tell her everything, it makes her ears burn. She uses a certain word to exclaim her disgust to it that you’re completely shattered. She avoids any other meeting with you and demands that you stay away from her. How do you feel? How much of an electric shock has been generated in your heart?

Can you people control whom you can love? Not if you’re truly in love. You don’t see if the person is virile or effeminate. When the true love eye is looking out for someone and finally finds someone, it doesn’t capture their silhouette or their appearance. All you try to incarcerate is that affection he/she provides you, the worry when you’re absent, that trust no third person can penetrate. And when the love eye finds that person and the person is affirmative upon this too, how do you think it is possible to change your mind for funny temperamental people? It is not. Hence, they forget the world.

Well, Homophobia is wrong. Racism is wrong. Sexism is wrong. Islamophobia is wrong. It is a sign of progress that these statements now seem drawn from the school of the bleeding obvious, but increasingly they seem to be used in competition with each other.

A day will come when all these will be appreciated.

~Inspired by Chuck Lorre and the Internet

~Krishnakshi Bhuyan